Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wow, This Blog Has Gathered Dust....

I guess that happens when you don't blog for 6 months....

I've been thinking and talking about getting back to blogging for a few months now. I guess I stopped because I didn't feel like I really had anything to say that was worth reading. I don't feel I am a particularly good writer. There are several blogs that I read on a regular basis and I don't feel like I am on the same level as them when it comes to writing and content. I don't feel like I'm great at putting my words down "on paper" or getting my point across. But maybe if I start blogging again, I will start to feel better.

{This is me being very open and honest.}

Lately I've been having a lot of "down" moments. Too many. I haven't slept well in months. I sleep for usually 7-8 hours a night and I normally sleep straight through. But I have vivid, strange dreams (and sometimes actual nightmares) for what seems like all night. I wake up feeling like a slept maybe a few hours. Sometimes I also will wake up really early in the morning to go to the bathroom and not be able to fall back asleep. I don't function well when I'm tired. I've been extremely moody, short-tempered, impatient, angry, etc. so much of the time lately. I am very snippy with the kids. I get annoyed over practically nothing. I yell way too much. Then I feel bad for acting like that and I get to feeling like everyone would be better off without me. Everyone would probably be a lot happier and carefree anyway. I don't want to be like that. But I don't know what to do to change it. My future sister-in-law mentioned to me that maybe blogging again would help me be able to sleep better. Anything is worth a try at this point. I don't plan on turning this blog in to a big whinefest or post about really heavy things all the time. But I do think it may help me to clear my head a little bit. We'll see where this goes. I haven't had the best track record with keeping up with my blog. I'm not sure if this time will be any different or not.

Joe is great. He makes sure I get a break from the kids to recharge. Honestly, I hate that I even need that. He is for sure the "fun one". Don't get me wrong, he disciplines as well, but he is definitely the laid back one and he is great at playing with the kids. I can't seem to relax enough lately to do much of that. I also feel like the behavior of the younger two leaves a lot to be desired. They are 5 and 3 years old. I keep trying to remind myself that when Ryan was 5 and 6 that I felt the same frustrations over his behavior. He is like a different kid now, for the most part. I just really feel so hopeless at times and like these 2 are never going to get it. Brooke is a champion button pusher. She also picks up any and all bad behaviors from the other two, which is extremely frustrating for me. It just feels like a vicious circle at this point and like they are "winning". Sometimes I don't think I was cut out for this...being a mom. I feel like they deserve better.

Some days I deal better with the tiredness than other days. Then there are days (like today) where I just feel completely exhausted and drained. So I think I am going to go to bed really early. Hopefully it will help, but it doesn't always.

Nighty night.