Wow, This Blog Has Gathered Dust....

I guess that happens when you don't blog for 6 months....

I've been thinking and talking about getting back to blogging for a few months now. I guess I stopped because I didn't feel like I really had anything to say that was worth reading. I don't feel I am a particularly good writer. There are several blogs that I read on a regular basis and I don't feel like I am on the same level as them when it comes to writing and content. I don't feel like I'm great at putting my words down "on paper" or getting my point across. But maybe if I start blogging again, I will start to feel better.

{This is me being very open and honest.}

Lately I've been having a lot of "down" moments. Too many. I haven't slept well in months. I sleep for usually 7-8 hours a night and I normally sleep straight through. But I have vivid, strange dreams (and sometimes actual nightmares) for what seems like all night. I wake up feeling like a slept maybe a few hours. Sometimes I also will wake up really early in the morning to go to the bathroom and not be able to fall back asleep. I don't function well when I'm tired. I've been extremely moody, short-tempered, impatient, angry, etc. so much of the time lately. I am very snippy with the kids. I get annoyed over practically nothing. I yell way too much. Then I feel bad for acting like that and I get to feeling like everyone would be better off without me. Everyone would probably be a lot happier and carefree anyway. I don't want to be like that. But I don't know what to do to change it. My future sister-in-law mentioned to me that maybe blogging again would help me be able to sleep better. Anything is worth a try at this point. I don't plan on turning this blog in to a big whinefest or post about really heavy things all the time. But I do think it may help me to clear my head a little bit. We'll see where this goes. I haven't had the best track record with keeping up with my blog. I'm not sure if this time will be any different or not.

Joe is great. He makes sure I get a break from the kids to recharge. Honestly, I hate that I even need that. He is for sure the "fun one". Don't get me wrong, he disciplines as well, but he is definitely the laid back one and he is great at playing with the kids. I can't seem to relax enough lately to do much of that. I also feel like the behavior of the younger two leaves a lot to be desired. They are 5 and 3 years old. I keep trying to remind myself that when Ryan was 5 and 6 that I felt the same frustrations over his behavior. He is like a different kid now, for the most part. I just really feel so hopeless at times and like these 2 are never going to get it. Brooke is a champion button pusher. She also picks up any and all bad behaviors from the other two, which is extremely frustrating for me. It just feels like a vicious circle at this point and like they are "winning". Sometimes I don't think I was cut out for this...being a mom. I feel like they deserve better.

Some days I deal better with the tiredness than other days. Then there are days (like today) where I just feel completely exhausted and drained. So I think I am going to go to bed really early. Hopefully it will help, but it doesn't always.

Nighty night.

Thank You, Melatonin

I thought I had recently posted about my sleep issues, but I looked back and apparently it was one of those things I just thought about posting about and never actually did.

I can't remember exactly when it started, but it was before Christmas. Sleep had never been an issue for me, but all of a sudden it seemed like every night I was dreaming all night long and even if I slept for 7 or 8 hours, I would wake up feeling absolutely exhausted. Or some nights I would have trouble falling asleep or I would keep waking up from the dreams. I was so tired. All the time. I seriously felt like a zombie. And when I'm tired like that, I get very cranky and easily irritated. You don't want to be around me when I'm like that. I don't want to be around me when I'm like that.

Joe was great, though. (He's always great.) He gave me lots of opportunities to rest or nap or just take a break from taking care of the kids. I couldn't have been very good company most of the time, though. I just felt like I was in a fog and I was SO frustrated. I just wanted sleep. Good sleep. I tried a sleep aid that I got at Walmart, but it didn't help.

Then Sunday I picked up some melatonin at Walmart. I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a try. I was desperate. Hopefully I won't jinx anything, but it really seems to be helping. This is the most consecutive nights of good sleep I've had in I don't know how long and I actually feel human again. More like myself and not like a grumpy, exhausted ogre. Yay!

Please let it last!

Engaged!

Sorry to disappoint, but I don't have a fabulous engagement story to share :-P. LOL. I told him we should make one up since people want details and it's no fun saying we just went and picked out rings together. There's been no question for awhile that we will get married someday (hopefully in the not too distant future). We just weren't officially engaged. Perhaps we still aren't since he hasn't proposed. Hmmm. I actually don't even have my ring yet since it needed sized, so I guess there's still time ;-).

I'm so happy and excited! This really is my happily ever after :-).

P.S. Yes, that is a picture of the ring I picked out.

Midol, Take Me Away!

Ugh. Hormones really suck sometimes. I'm starting to notice a pattern here. And that pattern is that every month when it's about time for you-know-what I just get crazy. Sometimes this means crying over everything. Sometimes it means yelling too much at the kids. Sometimes it means a slight case of road rage. Sometimes it means feeling like I could just lose it at any time. Not like "scary" lose it...but more like "emotional breakdown" lose it. Yesterday was one of those days. I found myself yelling at Ryan and Brooke WAY more than I normally do and over stupid things. And Brooke was testing me BIG time yesterday and that certainly didn't help. I was so crabby and moody and just angry (over NOTHING)...I eventually got to where I didn't even want to be around myself. It just sucks to be sooo miserable and it's like you can't even control it...can't make yourself be happy or in a good mood. At least I can't. I've never had a huge problem with my you-know-what. Sometimes I do get semi-bad cramps for a day, but that's not even every month. This extreme moodiness is something new that I've noticed for the past few months....maybe it's been going on longer and I just never made the connection. But I think it's time to try some Midol or something. For real.

Today was a lot better. Still a little moody and crabby, but NOTHING like yesterday! Thank God!




P.S. The home inspection is being done on the house Thursday at noon. Cross your fingers and/or say a prayer that it gets a clean bill of health! LOL!

When Will I Feel Like a Adult??

Seriously. I turned 28 in March. I've been married. I've had 3 kids and sadly, buried one of them. I'm in the process of getting divorced. I'm living on my own and running a household (pretty darn well, if I do say so myself). Despite all of that, I still feel sort of like a kid most of the time. I wish I had someone to handle important phone calls and make major decisions (sometimes) so I didn't have to deal with the stress it can bring. I don't handle stress well. Or conflict. And I've had both lately and will probably be dealing with both for quite some time, in light of recent events (that I can't/won't blog about...at least not at this time).

I think a lot of kids/teenagers are in a hurry to grow up so they can be in charge and make their own decisions and do whatever they want. They can't wait to be out of school and be out on their own, out of their parents' houses. And then you get there and wonder what the hurry and hype was all about. Sure, it has it's advantages. But then there's all the crap you have to deal with and suddenly the days where your biggest decision was what to wear to school or what topic to do your report on are looking pretty darn good.

And then there's the whole parenting gig. Not only do you have to make grown up decisions for yourself, but for someone else, too. Someone you love more than life itself...and sometimes those decisions aren't easy. You are always wondering if you're doing the right thing. Or if you're doing a good enough job. If you mess up it's not like you can just start over. Being a parent is the hardest job on the planet and I don't think it ever gets easier. In fact, it just seems to get harder and harder.

I guess this post has sort of turned in to a vent, but that's not what I meant for it to be. I just sometimes sit and think, "Wow, I am 28 years old...almost 30!" And I feel like I just graduated high school like last year. But I have had 3 kids and Zachary would have turned 8 this month. Ryan will be 7 in August. My 10 year highschool reunion is this summer. How did that happen?? I guess I just don't feel like it's been that long...and that's a good thing. But it's also kind of a strange feeling. I wonder if my brain will ever catch up to my age? And do I really want it to? LOL.